A letter to My Counselor

Dear Ellen,
I want to thank you for all of your help and update you on my situation. I finally understand what you were talking about when you kept saying I have to figure out what I want. I have been doing a lot of thinking, praying and reading. And the lights finally came on. I have to find myself again. I have completely lost myself in my relationship with Jeff and the kids. I don’t even know what my favorite food is anymore. Everything is about what everyone else needs and wants. I don’t even think about what I want anymore. I have vowed to start finding myself again. I miss me. I used to be a very fun loving, creative, happy person. I haven’t been that way for a long time. I want that person back. I am tired of being unhappy. I refuse to waste my life sad and lonely and wishing it would be over.
When Jeff and I decided to get married I prayed for weeks about it. I really wanted to do what God planned for me. I felt like (and always have) that God put us together for a reason. I felt like I could be a blessing to Jeff. I could show him that the world isn’t a bad place, that there are people that love him and he can be happy. I have felt that for the last 8 years. But after doing a lot of prayer and reading this last week, I realized that God didn’t put me here to help him, He put me here so I could learn to be stronger. Up until now I have always and I mean always had a man in my life. I got my first boyfriend when I was about 3 and haven’t been without one since. Before I end any relationship, I find a replacement. I never did it consciously but it always “just happened that way”. Now I see that it was because I felt having a man made me special, gave my life meaning and purpose. What I was really doing was hiding from myself. It was easier to work on someone else than myself. I was giving instead of receiving, my needs didn’t matter, and I was being selfless. And that’s what’s happened. I am selfless. I have lost myself. For the first time in my life I feel like, I truly feel like, I will be ok on my own. I think the only way God could get me to open my eyes and see that I need work on myself was to let me be miserable enough that it was the only way out.
I have told Jeff that I am going to work on myself. I am going to grow and be strong and healthy. I will be happy. He can join me on this journey or not, it’s his choice. But if he doesn’t grow with me, I will outgrow him and we won’t stay together. At first he laughed at me, said I was crazy. But he now sees that I am serious and I think he’s trying to figure out what he is going to do. He knows I won’t stay around forever if he doesn’t get clean. I think until now, he’s convinced himself that I wouldn’t leave so he doesn’t have to quit. He still may not quit. I told him I would stay until we got our finances under control. What I haven’t told him is that if he doesn’t make a sincere effort on making that happen, then I won’t stay. We are going to see a Christian marriage counselor at the end of the month that has extensive experience with substance abuse. It was actually Jeff’s idea. She has recommended that we try a program called Celebrate Recovery. We can go to worship service together and then the women and men break up into separate groups and do some study work. He agreed to go once with me and try it out. I looked it up online and it looks like a great program. I want to go even if he doesn’t. But hopefully he will go to.
I don’t know if you have ever read anything by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. But I am reading “10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess up Their Lives”. It is fabulous. I have done every one of them. It’s really helped me to see the mistakes I have been making. (Over and over and over again). I strongly recommend you read it; you may want to suggest it to other patients.
I am feeling very strong and positive. I will do this. I will be happy. I just can’t believe it took me so long to figure it out.