I enjoy boxing. I like the feeling of power-the power within myself. I have no desire to hurt anyone or to get hurt. But I would LOVE to be able to put my gloves on and just let someone have it. I'm still working on the inside as well as the outside. I got to thinking this morning about the desire to have a man in my life. I want a man to share my life with. But I have to get past the NEED to have a man in my life. I realize that most of my emotional comfort as a child came from men. My mother is a loving wonderful person, truly the best. When I was young, my younger brother had severe health issues requiring my mother's undivided attention. My care was left to my older brothers and father. My biological father passing when I was only a year old. From what I understand he loved me more than anything. I was his little doll, his little princess. He didn't like my brothers, but adored me. After he passed, my mother married a great man. He adopted us all and treated us like his own. He's the only father I have ever known. In my young years, he worked a lot and eventually went back to school while working full time. He also drove a tractor trailer requiring him to be away from home for days or weeks at a time. I grew to be very close to my dad. I enjoy sports which gave us a close bond. I probably sat in his chair and snuggled with him until I got married. I like guys. I have always had better relationships with them than with females. But the NEED to have one always there, no matter the condition of the relationship is unhealthy. I am hoping that as I learn why I am the way I am, I will be able to change and become self reliant, healthy, happy, centered, strong- able to stand up for myself and others. I will get there. I have made tremendous strides so far. It's an exciting yet stressful journey. - one that has been long over due.

Myself

I do believe you have to love yourself. It makes it tough for other people to love you if you don't. I believe you should treat yourself the same way you would treat others. If you wouldn't want your daughter being in a hurtful relationship, that why would it be ok for yourself. If you wouldn't tell your son he's fat, why would you look in the mirror and tell yourself you're fat. If your friend isn't feeling well, would you expect them to do the grocery shopping or clean their house? No, you would expect them to get some rest. So why then do we do that to ourselves. Is it that we don't love ourselves the way we love others? If it is, than that needs to change. God loves us- and we should love ourselves. I know that as long as I have my Heavenly Father in my corner I can continue to fight. No matter how much I hurt, I will be victorious and He will be there to encourage me, pick me up when I am down and celebrate with me when it's over. I know He's there- ALWAYS. I just have to listen to Him and do what He says. I do love myself, I even like myself. I have done some rotten things in the past, I still make mistakes. I am trying to get it right. I do for the most part. but the best thing is that I continue to work on it. Work on my to be the loving daughter my Father in Heaven wants me to be.

It's Monday

Well, I saw "The Duchess". A very good movie about a strong woman. A good choice for me. It was interesting and entertaining. I've been doing some reflecting, trying to figure out what got me to this point in life so that I can successfully make some changes. I'm tired of making the same mistakes over and over and over again. I don't understand why I am so dependent on men. Why I can't face my fears about being alone. Why I work so hard to make everyone around me happy. I want to be a strong self sufficient woman. I can throw a football better than a lot of men, I can mow the grass, I can balance a checkbook, I can make a campfire and drive across the country by myself. So WHY do I feel like having a bad relationship is better than no relationship. Why I am afraid of being rejected. Is it because my dad died when I was a baby and he loved me more than anything? Is it because my brother that I adored got in trouble and went to prison. Is it my dad that raised me and I admired worked out of town and was gone a lot? I wish someone had the answers. I can't seem to find them. - BUT I am not giving up. I will not give up. I will have the relationships I want and deserve to have. I know I have to fight for them, I have to find the courage to do so. anyone have any extra laying around????

The Movies

I am taking myself to the movies tonight. I could sit home and watch my husband be wasted or listen to my son fight with his car. Instead I choose to do something enjoyable. I am giving my daughter a ride to hang out with a boy. - her first unofficial date. so while she is at the "farm" I am going to the movies. I plan to see "The Express" it looks like the best thing showing at the times that work for me. I'll let you know what I think.

A letter to My Counselor

Dear Ellen,
I want to thank you for all of your help and update you on my situation. I finally understand what you were talking about when you kept saying I have to figure out what I want. I have been doing a lot of thinking, praying and reading. And the lights finally came on. I have to find myself again. I have completely lost myself in my relationship with Jeff and the kids. I don’t even know what my favorite food is anymore. Everything is about what everyone else needs and wants. I don’t even think about what I want anymore. I have vowed to start finding myself again. I miss me. I used to be a very fun loving, creative, happy person. I haven’t been that way for a long time. I want that person back. I am tired of being unhappy. I refuse to waste my life sad and lonely and wishing it would be over.
When Jeff and I decided to get married I prayed for weeks about it. I really wanted to do what God planned for me. I felt like (and always have) that God put us together for a reason. I felt like I could be a blessing to Jeff. I could show him that the world isn’t a bad place, that there are people that love him and he can be happy. I have felt that for the last 8 years. But after doing a lot of prayer and reading this last week, I realized that God didn’t put me here to help him, He put me here so I could learn to be stronger. Up until now I have always and I mean always had a man in my life. I got my first boyfriend when I was about 3 and haven’t been without one since. Before I end any relationship, I find a replacement. I never did it consciously but it always “just happened that way”. Now I see that it was because I felt having a man made me special, gave my life meaning and purpose. What I was really doing was hiding from myself. It was easier to work on someone else than myself. I was giving instead of receiving, my needs didn’t matter, and I was being selfless. And that’s what’s happened. I am selfless. I have lost myself. For the first time in my life I feel like, I truly feel like, I will be ok on my own. I think the only way God could get me to open my eyes and see that I need work on myself was to let me be miserable enough that it was the only way out.
I have told Jeff that I am going to work on myself. I am going to grow and be strong and healthy. I will be happy. He can join me on this journey or not, it’s his choice. But if he doesn’t grow with me, I will outgrow him and we won’t stay together. At first he laughed at me, said I was crazy. But he now sees that I am serious and I think he’s trying to figure out what he is going to do. He knows I won’t stay around forever if he doesn’t get clean. I think until now, he’s convinced himself that I wouldn’t leave so he doesn’t have to quit. He still may not quit. I told him I would stay until we got our finances under control. What I haven’t told him is that if he doesn’t make a sincere effort on making that happen, then I won’t stay. We are going to see a Christian marriage counselor at the end of the month that has extensive experience with substance abuse. It was actually Jeff’s idea. She has recommended that we try a program called Celebrate Recovery. We can go to worship service together and then the women and men break up into separate groups and do some study work. He agreed to go once with me and try it out. I looked it up online and it looks like a great program. I want to go even if he doesn’t. But hopefully he will go to.
I don’t know if you have ever read anything by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. But I am reading “10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess up Their Lives”. It is fabulous. I have done every one of them. It’s really helped me to see the mistakes I have been making. (Over and over and over again). I strongly recommend you read it; you may want to suggest it to other patients.
I am feeling very strong and positive. I will do this. I will be happy. I just can’t believe it took me so long to figure it out.

Working Out

I did 2 classes today. That's 2 hours of cardio. WHOO I feel great. I'm feeling great inside and out. 3 nights of sleep without any meds.I'm starting to feel like my old self again. I even said that I didn't want to go spend the night at the lake. - an annual anniversary celebration. My time is too valuable to spend angry. - and that's what I would be if I went. I'm feeling better about myself everyday and forcing myself to do the things I think are necessary and uncomfortable. I can't change the world, but I can change my world. One choice at a time.

Everyday

Everyday I have to remind myself that I can. I can learn, I can grow, I can do God's will. I just have to choose to do it. I make the choice to wallow in sorrow or stand up to the challenge and work through the pain. I'm learning about myself. I am learning that to be truly happy I have to be able to present myself to the world on my own 2 feet. I can not find my happiness in being a wife or a mother. Those are jobs I have and mostly enjoy, but it's not WHO I am. It's not why I am on this earth. God has given me challenge and it's time I stop being afraid to accept it. Now that fear is not what I see, I can see what HE wants for me. amazing it's taken me 41 years to get to this place. What a lot of wasted time being scared..... I refuse to let my daughter follow in my steps. I will show her the right way to live life